Based upon my own experiences in this revolving trip around the sun we’re all taking together, I can say without question that there are many moments of self-doubt in life. For some, these moments may be less frequently occurring than for others, but we all have them. This, I know.
I’ve recently had my own, latest battle with self-doubt, and it centers around my faith and trust in other people. As most who know me would attest to, I’m a very trusting person. My first instinct is to look upon another human being as honest, and of good will. Almost always, this MO toward life has worked for me. It’s given me many solid relationships with friends and people I do business with, and has significantly reduced the amount of stress that I bear in everyday living. But as we all know, there are exceptions to everything….
In the early part of 2012, I met a man who initially struck me as quite amazing. As I learned in talking to this person (who I will call ‘Jerome’), he not only had his own business, but several businesses. And while still only in his early 40’s, he already seemed pretty set, financially. Not only did Jerome have a solid financial base, but he was a runner, and had continuing aspirations to do more with himself in that respect. To me, Jerome had the good life, something I admit to being a bit envious about.
Over the next 12 months, I had periodic contact with Jerome via email, TXT, or on occasion, by phone. Each contact was filled with positivity, and left in me a sense of hope that I, too, could be like him. I kept saying to myself “I know it’s going to be hard, but I can DO this!” My brain would be flooded with ideas about how I could build the business of my dreams, become independent, and as the saying goes when you do what you love, “never work another day in my life.”
As fate would have it, a wonderful opportunity presented itself to me at about the same time that I met Jerome, and although I didn’t appreciate it at the time, it would set my direction for the future. I continued to work on this opportunity with the passion I knew it deserved, and by the Fall of 2012, it was beginning to take real shape.
While I continued to put the pieces in place to this new venture, Jerome reached out to me in early 2013. He had heard about the event I was working on, and wanted to support me. He also spoke with enthusiasm about the event’s purpose, which touched a chord in me. “Let me help you.” he said with a smile in his voice, and I told him that I’d be delighted to have him in my corner.
And so the conversation ensued with Jerome. After some discussion, it was decided that he would “sponsor” my event by providing one of my required services at his cost (no markup). Being that I was looking to economize wherever I could, I took him up on his offer. I was happy, and felt as though I had good things happening to me.
But almost as quickly as the good feelings took root in me, they were replaced by angst and worry. I quickly discovered that it had been a mistake to get involved with Jerome, and before I knew it, I was facing embarrassment in the eyes of others, and financial loss. Jerome did not deliver on any of his promises to support me. In fact, he took resources from me under the guise of providing a service that he ultimately never provided.
As alibi for Jerome’s failure to provide services, he put forth to me an elaborate series of lies, some of them so bizarre that I could only suppose that he suffered from some kind of sociopathic mental disorder, and others so unsophisticated that I couldn’t imagine a rational person even thinking that someone else would believe them.
I guess the moral of the story is that there are humans out there – our brothers and sisters riding with us on this big blue marble – who cannot be trusted, who do not have good will toward others, and who do not understand or otherwise value honesty and integrity. How is it that I fail to see through the veils that these kinds of people wear? Will my own good nature always make me vulnerable to ill will? Should I become suspicious of everyone, even those I think of as friends?
Today, I have nothing but self-doubt and unanswered questions. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. I believe it will…….